I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
