Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
