youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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