that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I checked into jail on foursquare
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
