There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
There's always time for handjobs
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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