apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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