They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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