Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
