just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
