____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
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