don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
