I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
