If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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