The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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