no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
All the doctor said was why
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
