just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
