the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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