You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
