3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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