I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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