So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Michael Bay diarrhea
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
