oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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