Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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