dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
