shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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