well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
