I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
