Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
