If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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