sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
