You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
