you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
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