I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
