I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize