rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
