I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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