If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
