I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
