btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
