I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
