I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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