You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
