im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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