I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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