MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
