im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize