That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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