So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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