Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
