Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Come back. Shots need mouths.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
