watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize