Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I want to fling myself into the sun
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
