This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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