Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
