Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
