Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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