Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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