hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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